


You promised, you lied

by Thepresidentofrussia23



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Cancer, Caretaking, Character Death, Character Study, Death, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Illness, Mentions of Cancer, No Happy Ending Fest, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad Ending, Stomach cancer, Vomiting, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thepresidentofrussia23/pseuds/Thepresidentofrussia23
Summary: He promised he would come back eventually. That promise soon became meaningless when Sonny died before he could come back...what good is a promise if you never keep them?
Relationships: Ed Tucker/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	1. Stage one: Denial

Sonny was in shock that Barba had left without as much as a goodbye, he vanished overnight and there was no way Sonny could accept it. His heart broke utterly into a million pieces and he felt his stomach roil, his stomach had been giving him issues as of lately and he was feeling pain in his abdomen, he only hoped it would go away once more. He was used to ignoring the bodily aches and pains in his body because a pill of Tylenol or Ibuprofen. He sighed as he threw up in the toilet, feeling nauseated as Peter soon took over the office and became ASA for One Hogan place. 

Sonny watched as Peter prosecuted cases, he was brilliant and smart and witty, but he was not Barba, he hoped Barba would someday come back, he hoped that Barba would someday call him and talk to him. Sonny felt a increasing feeling of helplessness and hopelessness surging throughout his entire body, he wanted to cry to someone, anybody, but he knew in the end, nobody would hear his cries of pain. He winced in pain as he walked down the sidewalk, his abdomen feeling like it was going to explode, when his vision went dark and his knees crumpled as someone yelled.

Sonny opened his eyes to the monitor beeping and the doctor came in and added 

"Detective Carisi, my name is Doctor Eisenhower, I'm starting to have concerns about the symptoms you are displaying. We need to conduct some tests on you."

Sonny nodded and added "Whatever you need to do doc."

Soon he was subject to a battery of blood tests, scans and X Rays all over his body when they found the source of illness and the doctor sighed and dabbed at his eyes. He hated delivering bad news, and what made it harder was that Sonny seemed to be so young, at the prime of his life and he was already facing something that would change the course of his life forever.

Sonny lay in the bed channel surfing the tv when the doctor walked in and sat down and began

"Detective, I am so sorry to say this but you have cancer. It is stomach cancer..."

He then pulled out a PET scan that showed a enlarged mass that was squashing Sonny's organs and looked like it was taking over his whole body. Sonny didn't want to believe that scan was his as he added

"Th...there must be a mistake doctor...There must be..."

The doctor added "I can assure you that it is not a mistake, your blood tests also show elevated white blood cell count as well."

He began to sob loudly as the doctor asked 

"Can I call someone for you?"

Sonny shook his head and sighed "No thank you, just tell me how it is..."

The doctor continued "Your cancer is at an advanced stage that even chemo can't treat it. We can only provide comfort care at this point, it is best for you to get your affairs in order. You will not live to see Thanksgiving."

Sonny didn't hear anything that the doctor said as he took the cancer care packets home, and he had dozens of new prescriptions to take and there were dozens of bottles to carry home, he felt anxious and sick as he rode the taxi home. It's funny how a death sentence can make you view the world so differently. 


	2. Stage two: Anger

Weeks later, Sonny started losing his temper, exploding at witnesses and at his co workers, the last straw was when he yelled at a perp and Olivia ordered him to go home. Sonny was angry at himself, angry at the world, angry at the stupid DNA in his cells, angry at the jackass of a universe that he lived in, angry at himself for not taking care of his body, angry at whatever pollutant or food or radiation made him sick, but mainly, he was pissed off at God. He hated that jackass son of a bitch sitting on His clouds and allowing rapists to run rampant everyday, but good people like Sonny got sick and died early, it was maddening and infuriating every single day.

He hated the sickness, he was mad at the doctor for diagnosing him, he was mad at everybody and he wanted to smash a few things but he was sure that his neighbors would be suspicious and call the cops on him. He would not blame them either way. His body hurt horribly all over from taking so many medications and he was tired, his body was constantly aching from a rapist who decided that it was trendy in resisting arrest by elbowing him in the stomach.

His vision whitened out at the edges as he felt pain explode in his abdomen, he wanted to scream in agony as his body was alight with pain, unsurprisingly nobody seemed to notice his pain or rush to his aid as he stumbled ever so slightly and then shoved the perp in the car. He ran to the closest garbage can and then threw up his guts until he started dry heaving. His knees felt wobbly like Jello and he fell to his hands and knees on the cold, wet concrete and a officer came over with a water bottle and he drank up a few sips of water. Oh...and he was mad at Barba for leaving and he was mad at Peter for joining and he was mad at Jack McCoy...hell...he couldn't even think rationally anymore...he was so tired and weak, he couldn't even hold down any more food and the doctor tsked at him and then put him on Ensure shakes and stronger anti emetics. Sonny was now so thin that his clothes hung off of him and even Fin was beginning to start getting concerned and he asked 

"You okay Carisi? I've seen fresher corpses than you." 

Sonny barely had time to react before he threw up in a trash can that suddenly found its way in his lap and he could see Fin looking concerned through his watery vision. 


	3. Stage three: bargaining

Sonny weakly lay in bed after vomiting and puking out the contents of his stomach, he was desperate to live, desperate to fight this cancer, he would do anything to see Rafael again, even if it meant he would die the next day in his arms. Sonny wanted to die being held by someone, so that he wouldn't die alone, by this time he was falling in love with a dignified and graying man who was the captain of the IAB, detested by many and loved by few, he was Ed Tucker. Sonny sadly smiled as he leaned on Ed's shoulder and said 

"I love you Ed, but I am dying...I'm dying of cancer. Stomach cancer. I am beyond saving, there is nothing they can do to save me, they won't even do chemo on me because it will reduce my quality of life."

Ed teared up and kissed his forehead and added 

"I promise I will take care of you no matter what, I will always love you to the end Sonny. I promise with my life."

Sonny knew his love for Ed was just a stop gap so that he could stop hurting over the departure of Ed and it hurt so much, that he could no longer work, he was so weak that he was bedridden and he finally turned in his gun and badge to Olivia stating 

"I can no longer function as an NYPD officer, my health is beginning to overcome me and I cannot be a burden, not on you guys."

He weakly went home and tried to not to cry as he lay in bed. Ed turned over in bed and cuddled Sonny and kissed his neck and whispered softly 

"It was a hard decision, but it was the only one you could make. I am so so sorry Sonny, I wish your health had been better so that you would be able to be recommended for the Sargent exams."

Sonny teared up and sobbed in Ed's chest, his skin was soft and his pecs were beginning to lose their firmness, but Sonny loved their sexiness and he fell asleep to the sound of Ed's heartbeat thudding steady and strong. Sonny woke up the next morning and found that he could not move and he needed to pee, so he yelped 

"Ed! ED! I can't move! I need to go to the bathroom!"

Ed quickly ran over and carried him, bridal style to the bathroom to pee in the toilet. Sonny now realized rapidly, there was no hope of survival. Not from this cancer.


	4. Stage four: Depression

Sonny was depressed that he had spent his whole life caring for others, and hardly anybody in the end cared for him, he was sad that he didn't get a chance to get to know Ed longer, to have kids with Ed or to even make love to him. He was in too much pain to sit up, much less have sex. His body was failing him more and more everyday and he hated it so much, it was frustrating and humiliating to be showered, fed, clothed and have his teeth and hair brushed, his nails clipped and his legs and arms massaged for him. He felt humiliated at the thought of being so dependent on others and yet, there was a part of him that didn't care anymore. He was sinking into a deep darkness, facing his mortality was more difficult than he had ever imagined and he hated being stuck to this bed, he was now so bedridden, even getting up felt like a billion knives stabbing their way into his body. It was agonizing and cruel pain and Ed was desperate to take his pain away, he hated it when Sonny suffered. 

Even the pain management specialist was concerned with the amount of pain that Sonny was in and had him hooked up to a morphine drip that would inject morphine at the push of a button. Sonny found that he was constantly pressing the morphine button, but there was a safety lock in the button so that if Sonny reached the limit of his dosage, the lock would activate and he would no longer be able to press the button until the morphine fully passed from his system. Sonny was especially depressed about Barba, all he wanted was for Barba to come back, he moaned and whimpered "Ed...Ed...Can you do me a favor?"

Ed came over and sat next to his side tearfully "Yes dearie?"

"I wanna get married to you...now."

Ed added "Are you sure? We don't have to if you're not ready."

"To hell with waiting, I don't have time. Let's get married...now..."

Ed swallowed thickly, this was finally it, that Sonny was dying, and very very soon. Ed called a judge he knew personally who was willing to conduct the ceremony at their home since Sonny was in too much pain to stand, much less walk down the aisle. Ed showed Sonny a JcPenny magazine full of wedding rings and Sonny pointed to one and Ed picked one out for himself and purchased the rings. Sonny felt so surreal, in a more just universe, he would be marrying Barba and he would never have had cancer, but here he was, dying of cancer and getting married to someone that could be his uncle's age. 

Sonny smiled tearful, Ed was trying his hardest to make sure this wedding was as normal as possible and even purchased a wedding cake and helped put wedding ribbons and decorations and sent out invitations to the people that he knew. Ed helped him get dressed in his dress blues and he also got dressed as well, he soon saw the SVU squad including Amanda, Fin and Olivia as well as a new member by the name of Katriona Tamin and Peter Stone came, there was not a single dry eye in the room as Ed and Sonny said their vows and kissed. Soon cake was served and everyone brought gifts. There was no reception because Sonny was starting to fall asleep and was tired from writing letters and signing marriage documents and legal documents that would secure Ed Tucker as the primary executor of Sonny's estate. Ed couldn't stop crying as he held his newlywed husband Sonny in their bed and he peppered him with kisses, afraid to lose the only figurative and literal sunshine in his life. 


	5. Stage five: Acceptance

Sonny now a days slept most of the day away, sedated with drugs, painkillers and sedatives to make sure that the pain wasn't unmanageable and the fact that his cancer was starting to spread into his throat and his brain was terrifying Ed. Sonny kept hallucinating whenever he was awake, calling out for Rafi, over and over, sobbing in sadness and heartbreak. In his more lucid moments, Sonny knew that he would die before Barba would come back, he knew that his time was just about done, he knew that in a week or so, just before Halloween, he would die. His body was trembling and shaking with fear, and yet there was this part of him that wasn't afraid of dying, he would embrace it like an old friend. Sonny hoarsely whispered to Ed

"My proudest accomplishment was becoming Dominick Tucker. I love you so much Ed, please don't cry. I'll always be in your heart, always."

Ed had managed so far to not break down into tears, even at the wedding, he managed to control his emotions, but now, he was crying and crying uncontrollably as the nurse told him 

"Ed, he is approaching the stages of death very soon, he will soon die in a few hours." 

Sonny let out a soft moan as he gripped Ed's hand and Ed reached for the morphine button and pushed it until Sonny relaxed. Ed called Olivia, crying 

"Sonny is going to die today, the nurse said so, there is nothing I can do anymore. I can't believe it is almost over. I don't want to lose him! Oh god! it isn't fair! Why did he have to get cancer? Why?"

He didn't want Sonny to know that he was hurting inside so much, he was in pain, his heart was being wrenched out watching him sleep and scream in pain, it was a terrifying cycle and he knew it would end at some point. Soon Mike Dodds came by with Benson and Fin and Amanda, they all were misty eyed and each and every one of them were afraid of what the future held without Sonny in it. Mike wished that he had the courage to ask out Sonny before Sonny had proposed to Ed and now he was losing his best friend, the only real friend he had in SVU. he wiped his tears as he watched Sonny breathe, with dozens of machines and tubes around him. 

Soon Sonny passed away in the quiet evening and Ed sobbed, his husband was dead and the funeral home soon took his body away and the funeral preparations that Ed had chosen, were to be followed. Ed cried as he pulled out Sonny's police uniform, remembering how Sonny wore it at Mike's fake funeral. Ed wailed uncontrollably on Olivia's shoulders as Fin wiped his tears, he might have not liked Sonny at first, but that didn't mean that he _hated_ him. Ed soon found Lucia Barba's phone number and told her 

"I don't know if you know me, but I'm Sonny's husband Captain Ed Tucker of the Manhattan Internal Affairs, he used to work with your son at Manhattan. I don't know if you have been told but Sonny just died a few hours ago from terminal stomach cancer...I was wondering what was Barba's address so I could send him the letter that Sonny wrote for him."

Lucia sobbed as she continued "I am very sorry for your loss Mr. Tucker, I just want to tell you that losing a spouse is a hard thing to go through and nobody deserves that pain, I pray that Sonny is in a much better place now. I will come over and visit if you are feeling up to it."

Ed nodded "Sure, you can come over. And the funeral is in a couple of days anyway."

After Lucia visited and told Ed the address to Barba's new home in Iowa. Tucker went to the post office and put the letter in the Outgoing box and then left. It was a couple days later Sonny was buried in a police funeral, hundreds of cops made their way to mourn the brave man who lost his battle against cancer. Ed couldn't even look at the flag draped coffin even once. He mainly stared at the poster board version that said 

"In memoriam to Dominick Tucker" 

Sonny's smiling face from before when cancer ravaged his beauty was immortalized forever, his beautiful blue irises forever shining with happiness and his hair glowing with hair mask and products. Ed sobbed as he remebered how Theodore Roosevelt, a famous president once crossed out a day in his diary when his first wife died and said in his diary "The light has now gone out in my life."

Ed knew that the light had gone out of his life too, and the vivid colors and the beauty was gone forever, and he was lost in the shades of grey, all alone forever. 

Barba yawned and woke up three days later, it was another quiet day in Iowa, no more cases, no more cameras, no more drama when he fished out the mail key and unlocked the door to his mail box when he found a single envelope inside and saw Sonny's shaky handwriting, some of it mixed with another hand writing he didn't recognize and then he opened it and his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach when he read, the whole letter was written in a shaky penmanship and some of the sentences were written with someone else's handwriting. His vision was blurred as he read.

"Dear Rafael Barba,

By the time you read this, it might be just too late and that I will have passed away. I am asking my husband Ed Tucker to write this letter while I dictate because my hand is too weak to even write and my body is in too much pain. When you left New York, I soon fell ill with stomach cancer and was told by the doctor that it was terminal. They couldn't even operate on it so I was referred to comfort care instead of aggressive chemotherapy. My body is in so much pain I cannot even eat my favorite cannolis anymore. You know, you enchanted me, you were my hero and you stole my heart and you took it with you. Every moment I spent was meant to impress you, I wanted to show you I had feelings for you. But when you left, I realized that you never felt the same about me and I am learning to accept that. I wish you had been here too, but everything has a reason. But why is dying from cancer something that has to have a reason? I do not know. I just hope you're happy wherever you are and find success and happiness. I wish I did tell you that I loved you, but here I am, sick and exhausted, I know that time isn't on my side, so I hope that you come sooner rather than later.

Sincerely,

Dominick Tucker."

Barba broke down and dropped the letter, weeping and weeping loudly, he ran home, booked a ticket back to NYC, hoping that this was a jackass way of making a prank and praying that Sonny was alive, healthy and well and gracing the world with his smiles. He soon arrived at the airport and saw Fin, Amanda and Olivia, all with tears in their eyes as they hugged him sobbing. And he knew it was no prank. Fin was not someone who was a prankster, much less of this level. He cried as he was lead to Sonny's head stone and he sank to his knees, begging for forgiveness and reading the headstone that said 

"Dominick 'Sonny' Tucker, Beloved in life, beloved in eternity, you are never truly gone"


End file.
